You know how people say you’re never really ready for kids? I honestly thought I was prepared to be a mom of 2. But his little girl came along and turned my whole everything upside down. Never in my life did I expect to have a baby who was so difficult to understand, so moody...a baby who challenged my own sanity. It’s something I chose not to go too deeply into on this platform (or with anyone, really) - the severe anxiety I dealt with in the early days, but I realized that speaking on my challenges my be a blessing to someone else who may be feeling as alone and as angry as I once felt. I was angry with myself for not being able to control my emotions, I was angry with her because she wouldn’t stop crying, I was angry that she wasn’t an “easy” baby like her brother was. I cried every day, whether in the middle of the night or the middle of the day, it happened. I had terrible thoughts of throwing my child, of leaving her somewhere, anything that would make this anxiety go away.
And what do we do? We blame ourselves, right? That somehow, this is our fault. It’s my fault that she cries like this, it’s my fault that she can’t get to sleep and cries for hours instead, it’s my fault that I can’t get a grip on my feelings, and can burst out into tears at any given moment, IT’S MY FAULT THAT I’M HAVING THESE TERRIBLE THOUGHTS ABOUT DOING SOMETHING HARMFUL TO MY CHILD!!
Only, it isn’t.
It isn’t our fault at all. Mama, it’s not your fault.
Our bodies take on so much when we carry a child, and a lot of times we (and the people around us) take that for granted. I mean, it’s happening TO US, and sometimes we still tend to forgot that so much of our energy, our brain cells, our blood, our EVERYTHING goes to these tiny humans we are growing. And then after we give birth, have to figure out how to care for them and ourselves with everything else we have going on. Homelife, other kids, spouses, jobs… it’s a fucking lot.
I’d have moments where I would be holding Elle to feed her and would burst into tears - for what felt like no reason at all. Christian was there on occasion and wouldn’t know what else to do other than give me a hug (which of course made me cry more, because how does this sweet boy know exactly what I need when I don’t even know?). She’d be crying because she was tired, but still too tired to sleep, and we’d be crying together. My days felt empty and alone and my nights were restless. Top that with recovering from a c-section and not having any of my family nearby to help.
Mamas take care of yourselves, please. And I don’t just mean get your nails done, I mean go to therapy if you need it (I will be starting soon), talk to people about what you’re going through (this is really the first time I’m really talking about it), take some time away from your children, don’t blame yourself for feeling alone, scared, angry, overwhelmed. Don’t allow anyone else to look down on your for those feelings. Pray, breathe, laugh, dance. Do what’s right for you, because if mama isn’t well, the family won’t be either.
*so sorry if this sounded like rambling, I was literally typing my feelings out and threw it up without re-reading it because I knew if I did, I would chicken out and not share. Someone (besides me) needed to read this message today. I pray that this finds you well and on the mend.